For the month of June we will be exploring the theme “faith leads to loving action.” To get started you can watch the introductory video at right.
Holy Love sees every person as sacred, as bearing God’s image. Every person. For now, let’s leave to the side violent criminals and bloodthirsty terrorists. Let’s concentrate on people we avoid because, to us, they are ugly and disgusting—those who don’t bathe, who have no social skills, who are overly hostile and aggressive, or who are simply poor and needy.
Few things are as sadly unattractive as a prostitute wandering the streets, undernourished and under-dressed, trying to trade sex for money or drugs. Or a homeless person with part of his face gone, shuffling through the commuter train asking for change. Yet I see these people and many other unlovely folks in daily city life.
The rural community in which I grew up labeled certain people “welfare trash.” We children were instructed to steer clear of them. With enough skill, a good Christian could avoid close contact with a person who wasn’t well-washed and well-mannered. And if we did consider reaching out to such people, the warning inevitably murmured from family and friends: “You’ll just be taken advantage of. He’s been this way for years.”
Group think hardly ever arrives at compassion. Popular culture is more judgmental than any holier-than-thou religious zealot. Our communal ideals of beauty and strength are impossible to attain. If we can choose between punishment and rehabilitation, we’ll go for punishment every time. We nearly always focus on what we don’t like about a person. In the absence of real information, we imagine the worst in people and expect from them stupidity, lies, and incompetence. We are ruthless—just watch a bit of reality TV if you doubt that. My first inclination is not to gaze upon a person to see the quality of being God-breathed or God-loved.
Nowadays I’m trying to look “unlovely” people in the eye and acknowledge their existence. If I’m determined to be like Jesus, I pause, greet the person, and ask her name. I offer my hand and tell her I hope her day goes well. And yes, when asked I offer some cash, making a point to always have a dollar accessible in an outer pocket. I’m sure my dollars never buy enough and that they get used for a lot of things I wouldn’t approve of, but that’s not the point. At least I have looked into a human being’s eyes and said her name aloud, reminding her that she is a person after all, someone I deem worthy of respect. Someone in whom I see God’s beauty.
If you want to begin reprogramming the way you look at people, spend some time with Gary Smith’s stunning story, Radical Compassion. This week you’ll meet Melinda and Shea. Read this excerpt from Radical Compassion from our sample at right (pages 67-69 and 105-106).
Here’s an exercise:
Identify the qualities that make people seem unlovely to you. Where did you learn those judgments? If you move beyond those reactions, what do you really see in people?
{ 25 comments… read them below or add one }
What a beautiful idea, Vinita, to have spare dollars in your easily accessible pockets. I will start doing this.
Growing up, I was taught that poor people are poor because they are dumb or they don’t work hard enough, etc. The American dream easily leads to this conclusion. Our culture says that anyone can pull themselves up by their bootstraps if they so wish, but the flip side of that belief is that if you do NOT, it’s your own fault.
As we know, humans and circumstances are much more complicated and much more deserving of our compassion and aid than that.
Going to college, I realized I had to help, so I started a campus organization to help the homeless. We did a wide variety of projects in the area and in large cities nearby.
My parents told me I was doing this solely to make them feel bad about themselves and their wealth — which they had worked hard for and “deserved.”
I don’t think my parents are unusual in this line of thinking. It is hard to look at the “unattractive” — it reminds us of where we could so easily be if not for good fortune and luck and networks of help.
And by the way, are you Chicago? I know the press is, but are YOU? I lived there briefly out of college in the early 90′s and there was a man on the train many days who matches your brief description — the face. He made my heart ache.
Blisschick–good for you, to be so aware and so caring when in college–I was still quite full of myself and my problems back then and part of a religious culture that was all about saving the soul but minimizing physical circumstances.
Yes, I’m in Chicago, live on the far South Side. Very grateful to take public transportation all the time–this does not allow me to get too comfortable with my life because I see all sorts of people every day. After awhile, they all begin to look like Jesus, which is the way it should be. Blessings–Vinita
I am a Nursing assitant I see many unlovely people …but to me as i was growing up my parents taught us to love everyone..Yes it was hard when someone stunk but was it there fault or the econmy..so thank you for reminding me that unlovely people are not all bad
Paula,
I’ve been in hospitals numerous times–and felt both embarrassed for the “stink” people had to clean off me and grateful when they did so with grace. When that was the case, I saw God in them; felt touched by God, so thank you for what you do.
This is so very important to share — it is a real test –are we truly Crist-like. In my small way, I try to greet, give some of my time (when I have a bit) and I often go back into the store and buy something, since often store persons may not like the street person in the store. One day, when all the Valentine candy was on sale, I bought a bunch of chocolate hearts and wow! what a smile this lady had. I talked to her about her life, she told me she was new in town, and after a while I wished her luck getting to the goals she had for herself. I don’t know if my words helped, but we both left with a smile. It was a cold day, so hopefully we each warmed up a bit and we each left with some love from the other in her heart.
Beti, I think any gesture helps if it’s genuine. I used to avoid people in need because my thought was that I couldn’t solve all their problems for them. I didn’t have the means to pay their rent or the credentials to talk them through trauma. But I don’t think people expect us to do everything for them, and they do appreciate when we try to help. Mostly, they hunger to be seen and known as humans with dignity and worth. Also, I believe God is pleased when we try, even if our efforts sometimes appear pitiful and ineffective. Thanks so much for your story. Peace–Vinita
I’ve been on both sides of this one. As a person with a disability, I’ve been judged less than beautiful and looked at with both pity and disgust. In college, I had a friend named John who drooled and had difficulty swallowing and couldn’t talk easily. “Friends” from my dorm said, “We can handle having dinner with you because you LOOK normal , but we can’t handle eating with John.” I often wonder what they would say now, when aging and scoliosis have made me look less normal.
I grew up with my mother saying constantly, “Don’t look down. It makes you look retarded.” She said this, I know, because she did not want the world to assume I was more disabled than I was–Something people did–and still do–far too often. But the negative impact of those words for me was that they made me look at people with Downs Syndrome and other intellectual disabilities with disgust. It took me a long time to learn that my intelligence wasn’t the only thing that gave me worth; that worth is a given, part of being alive.
On the other hand, I made friends with a homeless person who did end up taking advantage of me. It took years after that before I could discern how to respond to street people as my faith calls me to– with compassion– and still protect myself. I confess I am hesitant to read the books for this month because I don’t want yet another book that acts as if poor people don’t sin. And while I am aware of ways the system promotes poverty, I also know there were ways my friend made excuses and failed to take responsibility in his own life . For what it’s worth, I can say something similar about people with disabilities–We are often thought of as virtually incapable of sin. I only wish that were true!
It’s a challenge to find any sort of balance with this. I’ve decided, for now anyway, that my main work is to develop the ability to see every person as a sacred creation of God and as unconditionally loved by God. This has nothing to do with that person’s choices, attitudes, actions, etc., but everything to do with my attitude and perception. Understanding how to deal with people on a regular basis and longterm calls for discernment, and any substantial relationship calls for some degree of accountability. So if I develop an ongoing relationship with a person, at some point it will fall upon me to challenge her–to take responsibility for her actions, to become resourceful, to drop a resentful attitude, and so forth–just as I would with any friend.
I struggle sometimes with the blanket goodness some people associate with elderly people. Because aging makes some of them feeble and in need of help, of course we must feel compassion and show care. But some elderly people who have few visitors or people involved in their lives are in that situation because they spent a lifetime alienating family and friends, or they have cultivated negativity for decades. So, while I think my Christian faith requires me to care for them as for anyone else, don’t ask me to see them as martyrs or feel overly sorry for them! I guess we get in trouble whenever we adopt a general idea or perception for any “category” of person. Always we have to see the individual. Always we have to love, regardless of that person’s personality or situation. Sometimes I have to say to God, “You really ask a lot, you know that?”
My Grandmother use to say, “Relatives: You gotta love ‘em but you don’t have to like ‘em!” Somehow I hear Jesus in those words. And I do give money to one homeless person now, but I was very clear with myself about how much I would give and not inviting him too far into my life.
Vinita,
I am really upset. Not at you. Hurt and angry and frustrated at the author of They Came Back Singing. I read the excerpt for the week. It was, as you said, beautiful writing–Except–for the use of the word “crippled.’
I have little if any patience for being politically correct. For the most part, I don’t care how people refer to the fact that I use a wheelchair–Except for that word. It has been used all my life to refer to me with either disgust or pity. It has NEVER honored my dignity or worth. My reaction to it is similar, I think, to the reaction of African Americans when white people use the N word to refer to them. And I am bothered by his inference that people with disabilities are necessarily long suffering, patient, smiling mystics. I’m not. As a matter of fact, I’m often a damned impatient mystic. Ask God. When my body comes up with a new pain or limitation, I scream at it, and at God. The word for what I am in those moments doesn’t belong on this website. When I read his words, I wanted to scream please don’t do this to me–Because what he said about her becomes what too many people expect of me, and I can’t meet those expectations.
YOU don’t need to hear all that, but maybe others who are reading this do. I spend years thinking we’ve moved beyond those images and then something like this comes along. I get sick and tired of talking just about having a disability, and then something like this comes along. I’m a human being. My disability doesn’t mean I am or ever was any more guilty of sin than anyone else–or that my parents were. My disability ALSO does not mean I’m any more heroic or saintly or angelic or closer to God than anyone else. In and of itself, my disability doesn’t mean anything whatsoever. I create my life’s meaning. My disability doesn’t have that power or get that choice. I do. At my best, God and I together do.
If you ever see the guy who wrote that book again, please share this with him. And all of you who read this, I can only speak for myself, not everyone who has a disability, but I know I’m not the only such person who would find his description disturbing. The next time you encounter someone with a disability, please don’t sanitize or demonize them. Please remember, they are no better or worse than you are. Before love can see beauty, it needs to see humanity.
Mary, I’m so sorry about this. And I must confess my ignorance–I (and the other editor who worked on this book) was not aware that such negative connotations are associated with the word crippled. We try to catch any words or phrases that would be offensive. I still hear such phrases as “crippling arthritis” or “permanently crippled by the accident” and assume the word to be merely a descriptor.
I will pass this along to Gary, who would never want to cause harm by his language.
Peace to you–Vinita
Thank you, and if he wants to talk with and/or email me., I’m open to that. You are welcome to give him my contact info. [If not, that's ok too, as long as he gets the feedback]. He does not strike me as one who would be intentionally hurtful, and as a white middle class American, I need to hear his stories. Perhaps we are prophets to each other.
And FYI, the only person who has ever made me like the word crippled is the writer Nancy Mairs, who has Multiple Sclerosis and often writes from a Christian faith perspective. She is often hysterically funny, deeply honest and prophetically abrasive. Her essay “On Being a Cripple”, from her book, PlAINTEXT, is considered a classic. She reclaims the term with a wonderful sort of in-your face-ness so it affirms her (and by extension, our) strength. If SHE called me a cripple, I’d consider it a badge of honor, but no one else gets to
Wow-you don’t pull any punches with these exercises, do you? I get so mad at myself when I act less Christ-like than I think I should. Our hometown now has become more diverse and I find myself sometimes stereotyping people. I know that I shouldn’t but these thoughts come and thankfully go. I am finding that I can correct these thoughts more quickly and I am now saying a prayer for those I have ‘judged’. If I get a chance to speak to or at least smile at them-I do that. I have found one lady that goes to noon Mass to be beautiful when she smiles back. I needed to learn that. But in response to your challenge-I know that the media does not help with encouraging peace among the races nor respect for those disabled. It is not always how you were raised necessarily. I come from a family that frowned upon racism and tried to teach us to accept EVERYONE but then I get these reactions that I am ashamed of. I am struggling with this and now come in contact with a lot of those that I could react negatively to. The beauty of it is that I can see them as God’s children now and know that by my being more friendly and giving I can make their day. I appreciate the chance to think things through and to see what others are thinking on these-Thanks for giving us that!!
We all pass judgment. We all have absorbed ways of thinking and ways of seeing people that grieve God and harm others. It is a lifelong process to see ourselves with brutal honesty and work with the Holy Spirit through daily transformation. Our every effort at this, and our every moment of new awareness and sorrow, is reason to be thankful and to rejoice.
Connected to several earlier comments, I think it is not enough to know that your family is against racism. I think it goes a whole lot farther, and then some. Also, it also not just about giving material things, but giving of ourselves, which is a whole lot harder. As Vinita says, it is a “befriending,” which is really the Christ-like move. We also need to have a clear idea of the why — some of us need this, at least. When a child of about 5, my mom, as a social worker, used to explain very complex reasons about why the cleaning lady was not treated right because of her race. She used to tell us kids, “Cathy cannot get assistance for her family unless her husband doesn’t live with her.” (My mom’s weekly response to this injustice was to teach us, to treat Cathy extra well, giving her time, her kindness, etc.) To kids, we thought this was awful, even if we didn’t fully get it. Looking back, what my mom was explaining was “institutional racism,” the structures of society that we all unknowingly accept and do not even question. We don’t need (or want) to know that our institutions do not treat everyone fairly because we hold erroneous ideas that treating people badly is just a person-to-person thing and that if we change our relationships, all will be better. We also benefit from our institutions, so why change them? (Unless we are not treated well by them. Health care is a good example.) Of course, we must begin at the face-to-face level, as all peace begins at home, in our hearts. But we must not stop there; we must keep on trying to do what Jesus would do. He did not just “get along” with all social structures. He constantly criticized them for leaving people out of that inner circle. So, if we are content with our lives, we can be pretty sure that we are part of those institutional structures that oppress and discriminate, whether by race, age, national origin, language, physical ability, gender, and so forth. And once we realize this, we must hold ourselves accountable to act as Christ would have. As Vinita said, it is a lifelong process of daily transformation, and not just thinking it is just about getting rid of bad habits and sin. So, the cycle might be: awareness –new everyday, with sorrow yet thankfulness, too, and then some kind of action — to act on that new awareness and carry out the transformation in our hearts by seeing our lives, our relationships, our social structures differently. We will try harder to understand why a person might have the life they have had and know that we are a part of a collective responsibility for these injustices. Forget the media, because the media will seldom delve deeply into any reasons for anything, and not usually want to work for peace and justice, as we are asked to do, as Christians. Some media (institutions) have this as their vision and mission, but most do not. So, it is our job to change these institutions, each in our little way. Thank you, Vinita, for keeping this going!
Thank you, Beti–I couldn’t have said it any better. –Vinita
Beti,
What strikes me most about what you said is that sometimes we don’t WANT to see. Those words force me to acknowledge how often I CHOOSE to look the other way rather than become involved, even for a moment, in another person’s life.
A few weeks ago, I had a brief conversation with a homeless person. As I was leaving, I heard a cop start harassing him because the cop thought the guy had been harassing me. I raced down the street thinking, “I don’t want to get involved.” The Holy Spirit, of course, responded, “You already are involved.” I’m ashamed to say it took that prompting before I went back, told the cop I was ok, and asked the homeless man if he was ok.
I am so glad to hear someone say that the poor, the disabled, the elderly are no different than the rest of us as far as being saintly! It is harder to see those who are different from us as ‘children of God’ ‘brothers and sisters of Jesus’ than it is to see Jesus in those who are close to us. Some people (like my daughter) have a gift to be able to convey a distinction between behavior which is unacceptable and a regard for the person who has made that choice. Other people can learn it also – I talked recently with a single mom (tiny little woman) who worked as a jailor in men’s facility because she had to have a job. She said that she always treated the prisoners fairly – not from any pure motive, but because she didn’t want to meet them on the street after they got out and know that they had a grudge against her. But I suspect that an underlying reason was that she does respect others because they are ‘children of God.’ I don’t have that gift. People who are different than I am always treat me with respect because, I think, that I show them respect. However, they don’t seem to feel that love for the people who they are in spite of their behavior that they get from my daughter and husband and, for that matter, my mother. And, I am much more thoughtful about what to say and do and reflective about the ‘real’ person whom God created and practical in my assistance. Like being able to sing on key (which I can’t do either), I just can’t touch that ‘real’ person.
Seeing the disabled, the poor, the weak as people with sins and graces shows us that we, all, are disabled, poor, weak with both sins and graces. If I had the same circumstances that led to the woman selling her body, would I have made the same choices she did? Maybe, even probably. I might have chosen even a more sordid path. If she had the same circumstances, would she have made the choices I have made? Maybe, even probably. She may have chosen an even better path. My disabilities, poverty, and weakness (sins and graces) are just not so evident to the world and that is why having solidarity with the ‘different’ and less fortunate is a priority in the Church – no matter what we look like on the outside, we are the same within our souls.
Betsy, I suspect that you give a more loving impression than you think. Sometimes we come across awkwardly to people because we are worried and self-conscious about the way we come across–I know this is true of me. But the fact is that you continue to act and learn to act the way Jesus would, and that will lead ultimately to good. People respond well to humility and even to our feeble attempts when they are genuine. Bless you–Vinita
No, I know I give a ‘loving’ impression because I get respect and sometimes ‘thank yous’, but it is not the same as the gift that my husband, daughter, and mother have – of conveying that sense that they see the ‘real’ person – the person who wants to be good, but lots of times isn’t. On occasion, both my husband and I, or my mother and I, have had a relationship with the same person. Who do they credit with giving them confidence? Not me, even though I was the one who made the practical suggestions. It is a gift – like singing on key. I am not jealous of my husband, daughter, and mother any more than I am jealous of those who have beautiful singing voices and sing on key – which I also can’t do.
Like Theresa, the Little Flower, we are called to everything, but we are called specifically to where we are. If I were in Chicago, maybe I would also carry money in an accessible pocket. I don’t live in Chicago and I don’t encounter people who are begging so that’s not what I do. There are plenty of people in need where I am, but like those who carry money in accessible pockets, I do what I can in my circumstances – which results in very different ‘actions’ Sometimes all one can do is give to those charities who support those in need. Sometimes we need a little imagination – like the previous poster who bought Valentine Candy on sale. That was straight out of the Dorothy Day tradition!
What we all need to remember is that we all could be the receiver.
Good Morning,
I worked in NYC when I was much younger. There were many more visible homeless at the time, in fact it seemed to me they were everywhere. I was young and afraid of them. I think that fear may keep many, including myself, from reaching out. I don’t know where that fear comes from, but I know my Mom doesn’t have it. She will engage anyone in conversation, anyone. I have seen her do many acts of kindness when I would have said “stranger, be wary”.
I don’t see homeless people much anymore, as my workplace has changed. Now though, I find myself just as judgmental toward people that I don’t “like”. I work with some that I just don’t understand. It keeps me from reaching out to them, and perhaps giving them something they too, may need.
I think that many of us have those people that we don’t like in our lives, I think figuring how we can engage them in conversation, or just give a smile and a polite”hello” can be more daunting than helping someone who is needy in the physical sense.
I have always been the big “judge”. (with a giant splinter in my eye). I would like to take a fresh view of all that I have judged and start over. I think of that great rendition of “Try a Little Tenderness” by Otis Redding. Maybe that’s what I’ll do today, just try; we don’t know what has made that person the way they seem to be.
M.
Our culture encourages judgment–why else would reality television be such a hit? It’s as if it were impossible to simply allow people to be themselves and to accept them and cheer them on. In this way Christian love (and Jewish, Buddhist love, etc.) will always be countercultural. Our tendency as inidividuals and as a culture generally is to set ourselves up as judges. So every time you try to be different from that, I believe the angels are cheering! Peace–Vinita
I think what matters most is that we try, not that we succeed all the time. Try not to be judgmental and when we have judgmental thoughts, choose not to act on them or over indulge them. We have limited control over what we think, especially when judgmentalness seems to be part of the air we breathe in this culture.
One way to begin in our daily effort to NOT JUDGE is to literally “place ourselves in their shoes” — of whomever at the moment we are tempted to judge. So, for example, we could state: “I am that stinky person on the street that has not bathed in a month (or 2 or 3)” and then we go further and say, “how do I feel?” and yes, “how do I feel about that uppity lady that just passed me by with her nose in the air?” (My response would be “I will pray for her humility.” or “I will pray that she has an event in her life that will open her eyes, as mine were opened.” or something like that. A little imagination can help. A faith-sharing group that is truly committed to transformation can also help. We do need a venue, a daily time and place to talk about these things, and clearly Vinita has offered us this on this website.
Another strategy to “catch ourselves” when judging is to spend time journaling about WHY we are the way we are — soul-searching, but not putting ourselves down because this won’t be so productive. So, we might say “I was always judged when I grew up and this has made me insecure (or fearful) and needing to judge / criticize others.” Something like that. But this soul-searching must continue and include BOTH reflection and action. However, seeing the positive side is also useful. We can ask, “How can we use this critical capacity for good? Maybe we can be critical of our institutions and our cultural practices that leave others out (without their respect, etc.) that are harmful to others, harmful to the dignity of all, etc. We can use our “gifts” to be critical and move away from judging persons and instead use the gift to transform our lives and society to a more just, peaceful world. Asking WHY there are “the haves” and “the have-nots” and how things got to be so unfair for those who have not? Again, having soul-mates or friends to dialogue with is very important. Good journalling to you, ladies, and I must get back to mine ! :-)
I really like Beti’s suggestion that we use our ‘judging’ talents in a positive way! Every gift has potential to be used as virtuously or to be used harmfully.
Sometimes when I am at a loss to be able to pray without including in my prayer some judgmental comments, I remember Cardinal Bernadine’s comment about his ability to talk with all kinds of people with all kinds of agendas. He said that he prayed to his guardian angel to go and talk things over with his opponent’s guardian angel. So sometimes I send my guardian angel on a mission to find out what that person really needs.
Even when we try to walk in someone else’s shoes, we don’t always /know/. My mother used to quote a saying (French, I think), “To understand all is to forgive all.” Sometimes, like Corrie Ten Boom, I have to leave the understanding and forgiving to the Lord. Like Mary said, sometimes we can only try.