Some people just like to be alone, and I’m one of them. Give me a book, a movie, or a comfortable seat under a shade tree, and I’m happy. I don’t need the constant stimulation of other people. Some people function best when they’re around others. They feel more energized when not alone.
In some religious subcultures, extraversion is rewarded. The more outgoing and talkative you are, the more likely people will think you have spiritual gifts and are on friendly terms with God. Yet, other religious subcultures place a higher value on contemplation, silence, and solitude.
So is solitude a spiritual gift or a personality trait? Is it spiritual to be alone, or not? And should we be guided by our natural leanings and leave it at that?
In the Christian tradition, solitude is not a personality trait but a spiritual practice. When we are alone, other things gradually fall away until all that is in this space is the person and God. Responsibilities and relationships recede; the world grows quiet and the thoughts slow down. Only when we enter this sort of space and time can we begin to understand who we are and who God is. When all other conversations and activities cease, the one conversation that murmurs to the surface is our soul communing with the Divine.
Solitude is not an easy practice, even for an introvert like me. When alone, I’m still busy and, frankly, focused primarily on myself. When practicing solitude, I’m making myself completely available to God’s presence, which means that I let go of other things.
Solitude is not necessarily a pleasant experience, at least not at first. We don’t like to give up our busyness and personal agendas. Sometimes we don’t feel ready to be completely alone with God. We sense that there are issues we must deal with. Or we hold a distorted image of the Divine and thus don’t look forward to extended time alone with God—who we fear will make us feel guilty or give us lots of additional work to do. Our skewed expectations of God can make solitude a frightening proposal.
Some people fear that being alone with God will be a lonely experience. But loneliness is an issue quite apart from solitude. When we’re lonely we don’t feel connected to anyone. Many people are lonely in the midst of family and friends. Solitude can start out feeling lonely, but as we become more aware of God with us, that lonely space fills up with love, peace, joy, and the other gifts of God’s presence.
I encourage you to develop the practice of solitude. For a deeper and more detailed discussion of this, read Paula Huston’s chapter 1 from The Holy Way, posted at the right of this article (if you’re reading this via email, please visit my blog to access the chapter).
Exercise:
For the rest of this week, spend fifteen minutes alone with God each day. Choose whatever place and time work best for you. Keep a journal of this experience.
I invite you to post your comments and questions and I will respond throughout the week. If you want to read more from The Holy Way and By Way of Grace please take advantage of the special discount for readers of this blog during the month of July (details at right– if you’re reading this via email, please visit my blog to access the chapter).
{ 18 comments… read them below or add one }
I am single and live alone so I don’t have any problem at all finding time for solitude, or being alone, whatever it may be in the moment. This can be a mixed blessing, but mostly good. For me time alone amounts to necessary rest and relaxation as often social situations are not the rest and relaxation it is for more extraverted people. By rest and relax I don’t mean so much from being tired as from feeling stressed-around other people. Still, there are times when loneliness sets in, but as you point out Vinita we can feel lonely around others too. I can feel like that when I am not at home with the people I am with. Sometimes this feeling of not at homeness is because of my own anxiety. At other times it’s because the people I am with aren’t psychologically safe, they may be untrustworthy for example, and my anxiety is warranted. At other times it’s because I am around people that are just not a personality match for me, just dont feel that being them feels restful and energizing, for example may get bored. I get really tired around excessively verbal people sometimes, as excessive talk can feel like boundary crossing to me. Saying that there are other people who I love to hear talk, I gues it’s just the personality match thing. sometimes. Sometimes I need to find the solitude I need in the midst of company. I am sensitive to my rythms throughout a day, it is hard for me to engage with people that I dont feel rested with, when it is a time of day when I am tired or need a break. I have a very good friend who I rarely tire of, and the true intimacy of the friendship makes me feel the at homeness where I dont feel it such a waste of time, and lonely, being in social situations taht are less appealing to me. There are a few others I feel this way about too. Some people or situations can be taken in small doses, in others larger. It seems some people feel that if you are not talking you are not engaging and I dont believe this is so. For example I believe I am being intimate with someone just sitting and reading our respective books and talking every so often, or doing something the same or different in the same space. Engagement does not always have to involve interaction, especially when you get to a point where you know someone really well. I think of long time married couples, they know each other well so they use fewer words and just “be” together.
All of this can be the same way when deciding how to spend time alone with God. If I have been sedentary all day going to sit in adoration will just make me feel anxious and edgy where laying down comfortably praying or reding or reflecting, or walking or praying on the elliptical at the gym allows me to relax after not enough movement.In fact alot of communal faith practice is tough for me as I am rarely relaxed in the sitting posture! Now my knees hurt sometimes when I kneel too!15 minutes alone with GOD-this is very easy for me but I have not been practicing it as I get caught up in my computer which is the first thing I come to when I wake up. Now I will spend time alone with God before going on the computer. Laying down or walking. YOu also reminded me I can spend 15 minutes in adoration-it doesnt have to be an hour if it’s not authentic intimcay with the Lord-I can spend 15 minutes in a chapel and spend time with him in other ways too. The “Could you not watch one hour with me” does not mean Jesus wants me to sit with Him when I hate sitting and not being wtih him. Thanks!
Thanks for explaining so eloquently what a lot of people go through, particularly if they are introverts in social situations. Your comment about excessive talking feeling like boundary crossing is a particularly strong point. And it’s true that in this quite extraverted culture a quiet person is often seen as not engaging–which is really interesting when you consider how most people need lessons in active listening! And I agree that our time with God can take many forms, depending on our own physical and emotiona needs & rhythms. Peace to you–Vinita
I really resonate with your comment about being lonely if you’re not at home with the people you’re with.
I don’t think the spiritual practice of solitude has anything to do with being introverted or extroverted. I know someone who never meets a stranger, who finds solitude her way to find God which she discovered by accident in the midst of a non-silent retreat. There are any number of accounts of how modern ‘activists’ (not in the sense of prophetic activity, but just people who are very involved in some demanding mission) cope with the demands of their activities who regularly ‘retreat’ for prayer and solitude – time alone with God.
Journal: I tried practicing ‘solitude’ on the front porch: the world does not recede – it becomes ‘colored’ with God. Not just the beauty of nature, but the cars (engineering marvels) and the people – the driver who barely stops at the stop sign, the following driver who carefully comes to a full stop – all people loved by God, the birds various ‘songs’ in the background, even the background sound of traffic a couple of streets away – all are in God’s hands and I am connected to it all.
Betsy, your journal entry give us a wonderful picture of what it means to be spiritually awake–beautiful! Peace–Vinita
I am a mom I do practice solitude when i sit in my favorite chair either in my living room or on my frnt porch ….when my daughters play there instruments and use theur given talents I see and feel God in each of them…I close my eyes and pray that each is safe ..watching my significant other too using his talents by helping people who dont have time to do chores that need to be done…i am a quiet person any way but when I do make time for me I feel so much better about each day whether it be night or daytime…bless you Paula
Thank you, Paula. I agree that we find so much that is nourishing in our home and relationships but that there is still an added benefit to making some quiet time for ourselves with God. All peace–Vinita
Hello Vinita,
Isn’t it amazing some one you never have visited with personally, shook their hand or gave a hug to makes you feel so wonderful with words. I am a touchy feely kind of gal. I embrace our Lord with all that I have most of the time. I would like to say all of the time but I wonder off now and then. I am not a loner, I myself love people. I love people that I feel his divineness in. A warm smile, a kind word, a great big hug, and email that touches me spiritually when I feel alone. Our Lord offers himself in so many ways and I think sometimes we don’t see that. I find at times I am in a room alone with Our Lord and we just hang out, especially when I have feelings of frustration, whether it be with my children in whom I love, financially, work, driving to and from work. I do believe that having a quiet time alone with him is very important and it truly feels amazing when I do. Thank you again for this amazing website, your inspiration is certainly God Like.
Barbara, thanks for joining the conversation. God does offer presence to us in many ways throughout the day, and it’s only as we practice being present to God that we realize just how much we are loved and how we are surrounded by grace. Peace to you–Vinita
Vinita,
We all need to find our spot and time to be with God. I think I am an extravert at times and an intravert at other times. I find that getting up in the early morning is quite and I read all my emails. I also view my 3 minute retreat and your blog on deepening friendship. This is the time I sit down and read my bible and say all my prayers. I don’t get interupted and God has my undivided attion. I must say that at this time, I do feel closer to God and I know that he is listening to my problems and concerns. I just lost my father 13 days ago and I still find myself going off into nothingness even in a room full of people. I am not thinking about anything, just being quite. My husband has been a rock to me and my family this last 2 weeks and I can never say enough to praise him. But I still need my time in the morning with just me, God and my bible. I can see the rock of His church is in Peter, but it is also in the hearts of His people like me and you. I feel God with me all the time, I just need things to be quite once in a while so I know for sure what God is saying to me. God Bless all.
Rose
Bless you, Rose. And peace upon this quite precious time of grief and remembrance. Thanks so much for checking in with us.–Vinita
I tried “to be alone with the Lord” – which I am interpreting to be like ‘centering prayer’ yesterday (July 8), but never quite made it for 15 minutes. I fell asleep before the end (now the angels finish your rosary, do they finish time alone?) Will I make it today? Problematic. Got up late. Church behind our house caught fire last night; discovered it this morning; spent 1/2 hour talking with members and extending our condolences; late for volunteer job; discovered at end of day that some volunteer had made mistakes and spent time trying to correct them. Will I make time to ‘be’ with the Lord? I doubt it. But I am not ‘alone’ – He is with me. Sometimes one has to trust that in the midst of lots of ‘worldly’ issues, that the Holy Spirit is with you and speaks for you. There is no time (like minutes) to check in – it’s more like seconds – this is what I say, Come Holy Spirit, let me show your Love.
That fifteen minutes can be a bigger challenge than it sounds like. I struggle, too, but I agree that God is with us even when we can’t be as attentive and calm. Peace–Vinita
Journal: Tried doing 15 minutes with Sacred Space. Couldn’t keep the distractions away. Jesus, Guide my way.
Tried reading the excerpt from Holy Way. The ‘simple’ life is full of discipline. I am reminded of the poustinia. The book by Catherine Doherty was once one that I read frequently. The poustinik is always available to help out – for instance, at harvest. I often wondered how he felt when he got back to his poustinia and found his harvest rotting. Probably just started to tidy things up – like the Fly Lady, a few minutes at time. I think I remember something about being able to carry the poustinia into the marketplace.
Does God call us to do things that are foreign to our personality? Probably yes – like Moses who thought someone else better spoken should be the leader. And impetuous Peter to be a Rock. I resonate with Vinita’s comment “…God—who will …. give us lots of additional work to do.” I forget which saint it was who started a new regimen. When someone asked how he could dedicate his whole life to such a regimen, he said, “Whole life! I only commit to the next 10 minutes. I couldn’t do it for my whole life!”
It seems that in the spiritual life we must learn to follow our instincts–our core passions and desires. But also we must be willing to practice acts and attitudes that don’t feel as natural to us. The Holy Spirit is always stretching us a bit, helping us experience just what potential there is in our lives if we’re willing to discover it. All peace–Vinita
Vinita,
Thank you for awakening in me the necessity to spend time alone. It is not easy to get started but fortunately I have encountered positive ways to keep me from giving up.
I read a story once about a priest that went into a Church for some alone time. As he walked into the Church he found that there was just as much noise within the Church walls as there was on the outside. In his dire need of some quiet time he remained and continued to meditate. When he finally left the Church he was amazed at the fact that he had obtained Peace, inspite of the noise.
I am easily distracted and the only way I can spend time alone is during Holy Hour in a Church. And inspite of any distractions I find that just by taking the time to spend alone will benifit in some way. Sometimes we are not aware of the impact it may have on us. But we can always count on it to be effective.
I had an experience at Holy Hour, that I questioned for quite a while. Did I really have the experience or did I just want to think I did? Then one day I was searching the net on, A Happy Catholic and I found another person had shared the very same experience which I had had. It helped to affirm that when we spend time with God it is never wasted. It does not matter if we don’t realize how it affects us, we are assured it just does.
I find that being alone is necessary to keep me grounded. I think clearer and many questions are also clarified with time. I was shy as a young adult. But once I became an extravert I realized what a blessing it was to be a quiet child. So it is vital to find quiet time when I become too talkative. I make it a point to listen more and learn from God through others.
If we all learned to listen more and more often, what a difference that would make in so many ways! Keep it up–Vinita
corina: ‘…if we don’t realize how it affects us, we are assured it does.’ That’s something that I had forgotten. And it is true of other spiritual practices, too – confession, mass, rosary. Too many people say that they get nothing out of mass, but, for one thing, mass is not about getting, but about giving and, for another, who knows when something will happen – a word, a hymn – that speaks to exactly where we are. And, there may other benefits that we are unaware of.