When most people refer to balance, they envision a successful juggling act. A balanced life is one in which, simultaneously, I keep all my projects going and all my relationships healthy. I achieve this balance by sheer strategy and willpower.
In Christian spirituality, balance has more to do with temperance, which means that we allow our deepest principles to hold our passions in check. As Paula Huston explains in chapter 2 of By Way of Grace, temperance has been misconstrued in popular language to mean an unhealthy denial of life’s pleasures. But from earliest times Christians have valued spiritual balance.
St. Ignatius spoke of people having “disordered affections”—being ruled by desires rather than free to make wise choices. When we don’t practice temperance, eventually our affections will become disordered. A temperate person honors her desires and passions as gifts from God, but she does not constantly rearrange her life according to the ongoing flux of those desires and passions.
I’ve discovered that whenever I feel pushed, desperate, or hurried, that’s a signal that I need to apply some temperance. When I am driven to act—by my fear, my need to impress, or my own impossible expectations—I allow my perfectly good passions to run away with me. Passions themselves are not bad, but they were never meant to be in charge either.
Most of us can relate to Paula’s story; her desire to give her daughter the perfect wedding led to weeks of frenzy and overwork. One time, when my sister and brother-in-law were visiting, we’d had a full day of sightseeing and had returned home to cook a nice dinner. At about 8 p.m., I started pulling out ingredients to make an apple pie, and my sister stopped me: “Are you on speed?” she asked, laughing at my insistence on providing a homemade dessert. I decided that it was more important to relax and watch a movie with my family than slave over a pie we were too tired to eat anyway.
As an editor, I have to practice temperance; otherwise I would never finish making a manuscript “perfect.” As a writer I practice temperance when I decide that, no, a sixteenth rewrite of that scene is not necessary.
Parents must practice temperance when it’s time to let go of children, even though we know we could help them organize their lives or choose their friends. Our good desire to help those we love must be tempered by wisdom.
One of the best gifts of temperance is that it frees us to enjoy our loves. When I write, I can throw myself into it completely. And when temperance tells me it’s time to stop writing and do something else, I can put down my work and enter the next thing wholeheartedly.
Exercise:
Identify situations in which you feel pushed, or hurried, or desperate. Can you describe what’s going on, and how you might apply some temperance?
{ 18 comments… read them below or add one }
I am having a hard time with this one. There are times when one is pushed, hurried, and desperate that are not of our own making. Paula could have avoided her problems by planning what could be done realistically, but there are times – particularly for ‘sandwich’ generation people when the very real needs of parents, husband/wives, teen age children, self are overwhelming. There was a time when I repeated umpteen times a day, “I could see peace instead of this.” St. Benedict’s Rule which is balanced among prayer, work, and recreation appealed to me. I had to learn that lots of things cannot be done perfectly if we are to have balance.
Someone once said that ‘if a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing badly’ Not an idea that comes easily to people like Paula or possibly Vinita or me, for that matter. The point was that we miss out on lots of experiences by not accepting less than perfection. Why does it have to be a ‘homemade’ dessert? Isn’t it better to have plain ice cream and enjoy one another’s company?
Contemplation leads to action; action leads to contemplation. When one is hurried or finding tasks impossible and unable to see the ‘peace,’ it is time to go to prayer, but in prayer, one sees the loving action that brings peace.
And, there are those who are called to be hermits or passionate creators – they may still have balance of prayer, work , and recreation, but their call is not to be hospitable to anyone who comes along whenever they come.
And now I need to be temperate and stop trying to make sense of this exercise.
Some struggle is good for us, so I don’t mind that this article/idea is something of a challenge for you. Each of us must discover what temperance is for us. All peace–Vinita
Busy is never forced on us, as so many would like to believe. It is a choice. Not believing THAT would be tantamount to eradicating the concept of free will.
Our culture, of course, says that busy IS forced upon us. But we are the ones who decide that children must be involved in everything, that we must have a certain job and a certain house, that we must go to every party or people will not like us, that we must also watch news, read news, stay on top of everything, etc. etc.
I have a balanced life. And I have always meant this when I say that: my life is comprised of CHOICES that reflect my beliefs and my convictions and my priorities.
But even being conscious of this (and most people aren’t because they’re too busy), I find myself getting off-balance. Luckily I notice relatively quickly and I pull back.
There are all sorts of red flags and we must become proficient at noticing them.
Sorry…I could go on and on about this. I am surrounded by people who claim to be too busy for the things they claim are important to them. I.E. they don’t have the time to write or paint even though it is the very thing that would fulfill them. I think there is a complex and delusional sort of story going on with this…
You and I could probably stand on the same soapbox! We must pay attention to what is important and then have the courage to give our time to those activities at the expense of other things. I’ve had to give up having a well-organized and always-clean house in order to get any writing done while writing full-time. I’ve also sacrificed writing time to be with people because I thought time with them was important. Sounds as if you’ve been very thoughtful and purposeful about this, which encourages me. Peace–Vinita
There is a lot of truth in your statement about choices. But sometimes choices are not easy. My mother used to be concerned about my choice to care for her when she was ‘frail elderly’ instead of caring for the needs of my teenage children. Sometimes the choices are not between a dirty house and doing your passion, but between the needs of an elderly parent and your teenage children – the dirty house is a given. Someone will not get what they need from you, the only person who can give it. There is ‘busyiness’ that is forced on you. I went from being a very organized person to being a crisis manager. At the same time, I spent much more time in contemplative prayer – as my ‘balance.’
One of the great things about being on retreat is that everything is clean and neat – someone has made a choice to make that happen! Who is to say that it isn’t a good choice? (Not that I have made it very often in my life!)
You’re right–some choices are between two or three or four perfectly necessary and good things, and no one knows this like a woman sandwiched between two generations of those who need her. At these times we have to trust God to provide through other means. And I think it helps all those involved if we admit that we are shortchanging them on our time and attention. I believe that those teenagers learn something important when they watch a parent care for a grandparent, even if the teenager doesn’t seem happy about it at the time. Blessings on your great generosity. Thanks for posting–Vinita
Aren’t we also struggling with meeting expectations? Expectations that others may have of us that we have knowingly or unknowingly excepted. I think that awareness is a key ingredient here because we are faced with the reality of “letting someone down” even if that means the person staring back in the mirror. With awareness, comes freedom, freedom to choose how to respond which with grace leads us to a spiritual balance.
Yes, others’ expectations have a big influence on us. At some point we embrace those expectations and make them our own–which means we probably are not listening as much to the Holy Spirit. It’s much easier to have a set of standards we know than to stay in a posture of discernment. Thanks for your post–Vinita
This area very much interests me and it is something that I have tried to apply daily to my life, especially in the past year or so. It happened one day when I started asking myself “why” to all the things I do every day, without fail, in the same manner. For example, when I’m walking through the parking lot to work, I am always walking in a hurry, even though I am nearly always plenty early (I like to be prepared for the day!), so that day I started slowing down. When I slowed down my walking pace, I started noticing that I wasn’t as anxious or concerned about my day like when I would nearly run in the parking lot. I also noticed more things about the environment I wouldn’t have seen before: the clouds starting to form in a summer morning thunderstorm; the birds singing over the sounds of the large air conditioner units, and other people that were also walking in to the building (I work at a hospital). Now when I walk in, I offer a prayer for my day as well as those that I will come in contact with that day.
I think that the term “balance” can mean that we have to be perfectly in balance or our load we carry will fall apart. I like the term “centered” better, as it connotes a re-starting or re-focusing our life when we don’t listen to the inner self as much. This is required when we instead over-focus on one area (like being busy, productive, and yes, I agree those “expectations” we think people have about us and those we place on ourselves), when we don’t have temperance.
St. Benedict’s rule’s emphasis on “work and pray” can really help me to find out what my soul is yearning for, like sitting in my back yard watching the birds eat the seeds I leave out for them, or to draw out doodles of prayers, trying to listen “with the ear of my heart” to what is going on in my life.
Sending blessings to all who stop, listen, and attend to their inner self!
Thank you for those insights–I love that simply by slowing down your walking pace caused such changes! And I agree that “balance” is used in the wrong way and actually can put more pressure on us. I’m with you on sitting in the back yard and watching the birds–this is a practice of mine now for two years. What a grace. Peace to you–Vinita
What an interesting concept – I would not have thought to use the word temperance in relation to living a balanced life. To my mind, temperance is an old-fashioned word related to abstaining from alcohol. But you have given me a new insight into what the word can mean.
And yes, I agree that despite what we might say or believe, busy is never forced on us. We are busy in direct relation to our own choices . . . somewhere along the line. The ability to say no, to prioritise, downsize and choose the road less travelled is always a choice we can make.
Thank Paula Huston for bringing new life to the word “temperance”–I learned this from her book!
Serenity of the spirit is the key. Although a lack of temperance leads us to look to expectations by others and ourselves for guidance, tempts us to see our passions and desires as ends rather than means, gives us a false sense of control, it does not mean that busyness that leaves us feeling hurried, pushed, and desperate is always intemperate. Life is like that sometimes. At the very simplest level, living at a subsistence level, there is intense activity when the crops ripen to gather them in and preserve them. There are events, like weddings, where we have more to do than usual, or losing sleep nursing a sick baby. There are times, like the sandwich generation, where there are many conflicting demands on our time.
I remember reading that we need to go beneath our feelings to listen for the peace of the Lord. If we can’t hear it, then perhaps we have succumbed to intemperance (though that’s not the author called it). Another quote that got me through my sandwich generation years is from John XXIII, “See everything, overlook a great deal, improve a little.”
Another help was someone telling me to make my to-do list as the things I ‘could’ do, not the things I ‘should’ do.
Walking slower, listening to the birds, and some of the other practices mentioned – all help us to keep our serenity of spirit, to remind us to listen to the Spirit, to ask for the mercy of grace to do His will, not ours, to know, like Julian of Norwich, that all is well.
Temperance does not restrain; it guides us to be peaceful with what is, to discern what we are called to improve or to overlook, to have serenity of spirit no matter what our feelings about the situation we find ourselves in. It calls us to prayer and then to action. Not action based on expectations of others, not perfect action as we see it, but doing what we can do, at the moment and in the circumstances, to be loving people, disciples of the Lord, not worrying about the whole, but leaving it in God’s hands.
Not easy to do, for those who can make pies from scratch and edit documents, who know that both are ‘good’ things. Not easy for those, like myself and Paula, who naturally can lose themselves in a project, who find non-creative activity obstacles to the enjoyment of creativity. Not easy for those who want to see results, to know that what one is doing does contribute, did make a difference.
I love the John XXIII quote. I need to remember the importance of temperance, but I think Paula was harder on herself than she needed to be. She didn’t sound any more “egoistic” than most mothers of the bride. I would hope God also had compassion for her in that situation. The experience she records didn’t reflect that to me.
I think Paula was using her situation simply to illustrate an example of not practicing temperance. I’ve known her for awhile, and she has a keen awareness of God’s grace, forgiveness, and peace.
I BEEN HEARING THE LORD TELL ME TO KEEP IT TEMPRED AND SHOWING ME I NEED BALANCE AND REALIZE I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO BEGIN BALANCEING MY SELF TO HAVE THAT SPIRITUAL BALANCE AND I REALLY NEED HELP WITH THIS . UNTIL I HAVE A KNOWLEDGE OF THIS I FEEL ANXIUIOS AND LOSE MY PEACE WHICH I NEED HELP. I PRAY ALOT AND MY AREA OF IMBALANCE SEEMS TO BE I AM INTO THE SPIRITUAL THINGS AND NOT INVOLVED IN THE LIVES OF FAMILY OR OTHER THINGS BECAUSE OF THE CALL AS A PROPHET AND THE PULLING ON ME SPIRITUALLY FOR PRAY AND INSIGHT I HAVE BEEN UNBALANCED AND INTO A PLACED OF PULLING BACK AND NOT KNOWING HOW TO REORDER MY DAY. NEGLECTING MYSELF BUT HELPING OTHERS TO MUCH. SO IF YOU CAN HELP ME PLEASE DO AND SO I CAN RECIEVE AND NOT HAVE TO KEEP GIVING OUT SO MUCH.
It’s dangerous to give out much specific advice when I don’t know you or your situation. But it sounds as if you need another person to come alongside you, listen, and help you reflect on God’s leading and to think through what next steps might be. I pray that you find a counselor, spiritual director, or wise friend in the near future. Bless you, and thanks for posting.–Vinita
Especially if one is feeling called as a prophet, does one need someone to help discern the spirits, I believe. And, if there is no one to help, then probably the call is not entirely from the Lord because the Lord would provide the person to help. The devil can quote scripture to achieve his ends.
But to achieve a better balance among duties to yourself, to others, to prayer, one way is to keep track of your time for a day. Write down when you start and when you finish something. Then start to discipline yourself by only allowing 1 hour for prayer in the morning, for instance, or one afternoon per week in helping others. You will also be surprised to find how much you can accomplish in 15 minutes! It helps to know because if you have to rearrange your schedule to help a friend, then you know exactly what you can get done in the time left or whether you need to say ‘no’ this time.
Once you start timing what you do, you will see what needs to be done to balance your life. If you are not allotting enough time for your family now, you will have a sense of balance once you do start deciding how to schedule your day. Keep the writing down of times up because it will show you that balance. After a while, you will be able to keep that balance without writing down the times. Until there is a change (the beginning or ending of the school year or a close friend becomes seriously ill), then you may have to start again in order to adjust.
Sometimes life does become so chaotic that you can’t get a balance to work daily and then you have to take a weekend retreat or schedule Sundays as family day or make a standing appointment to have your hair done so that even if days aren’t balanced, weeks are balanced.
Like Paula, search the saints and those who are trying to walk the spiritual path for those who can show you what they did when they became unbalanced.
May the Holy Spirit guide you to the peace of balance.