Read this week’s excerpt: “I Was an Invisible Child” here:
I can honestly say that both my parents loved me very much when I was growing up. I can also say that both my parents wounded me when I was growing up. When you put people together in a life, imperfection happens. We hurt one another in ignorance, through thoughtless mistakes, out of our own blind spots and imbalances, and during moments of weakness. We may have the best intentions; then again, anger and insecurity might inspire us to scheme and hurt another on purpose. In addition to all of that, we are living together at different ages and stages. And so the parent, who is wrestling with career problems, does not notice the teenager’s subtle cries for help. Or the child, who heard only snatches of a conversation, interprets those phrases in the worst possible way, and never thinks to ask the adults for clarification.
Years later, we can still remember the day no one listened or helped, and our minds carry echoes of cruel words and cold silences. As adults, perhaps we better understand why such things were said. We have the ability to look back on events and see them from more than the perspective of a six-year-old. But understanding does not automatically result in the healing of old hurts; sometimes the hurt makes no rational sense. Surely I should be over this little incident by now—why, that was thirty years ago!
Ultimately, wounds reside in the spirit, in the deepest part of us. That’s why God must do the ultimate healing. The Holy Spirit can apply grace down through the layers of memory and emotional habit. The wisdom of Jesus can open our eyes to a scene that is larger and more complex than the one we tend to remember on our own. We cannot change the past, but we can invite Creator, Redeemer, and Holy Spirit to revisit the past with us.
It’s important to remember that with God everything is present-tense. We live in time and space, but spiritual reality is not limited by those dimensions. It is possible for God to heal, in this present moment, something that happened decades ago. It is possible for you and me to remember the past but with a mind that has been renewed by Jesus, a mind capable of grasping that memory now in a different way.
“I Was an Invisible Child”—this week’s story from Lyn Doucet’s book (available at right and here)—provides a wonderful example of God healing a wound from the distant past. I hope you take courage from this and begin to re-remember the moments of your childhood that still cause you pain. Ask Jesus to go back there with you.
If you are facing traumatic memories, you might need to make this journey with a counselor or therapist. Modern psychology is one of God’s many gifts to us; another tremendous gift is the right person to listen to you and accompany you on what could be a frightening journey.
Our prayers go with you during this time of healing and hope.
Our exercise this week incorporates some of Lyn’s questions from “I Was an Invisible Child.”
What were the most trying circumstances of your childhood?
In what ways was God present in your childhood?
When you were a child, was there a special place or a particular activity that was a real retreat for you? Can you revisit a similar place or activity now?
To learn more about Lyn Doucet, author of A Healing Walk with St. Ignatius, or explore additional healing resources, click on the tabs at the top of the page.
To take advantage of special savings on this month’s book, use the discount code at right.
{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
My struggle with this book so far is that all the stories are all about people who are smiling now and can say “Yes, my faith sustained me!” or “Yes, God was there!” There’s nothing from people who still can’t see God in their trauma. Surely they’re out there. If I were one of them reading this, I might think there’s something wrong with me. And although I’ve healed a lot from a childhood trauma that went on for years and can see God in retrospect, part of me still feels like he ddidn’t intervene soon enough or wasn’t there enough. i share that only to validate anyone else who still struggles with similar feelings
This is a good point. Sometimes, in the telling of such stories, we encounter people at a point when they are smiling and feeling some relief–I don’t know that this is a lasting state. When we have felt God’s touch in any way, that can sometimes lighten everything that is wrong, at least for awhile. Many of us, though, have continuing struggles, and our faith comes by inches. And I do believe that in some cases a person can work for years and years at accepting her history, yet the acceptance is never complete, and neither is the healing.
What I hope readers take from these stories are various ideas about how we heal and what can help and what can get in the way. Some past events require decades of learning forgiveness and acceptance, whereas other events can really be robbed of their damaging power when the suffering person approaches them by praying in a fresh way.
As always, thanks for your comments–I’m sure they have helped others already.
“It’s important to remember that with God everything is present-tense.” Sometimes that means that whatever it is, happens again and again and needs to be healed again and again.
Another angle is that sometimes the answer is ‘no’ or that what God sees as the best, is not what we see as the best solution. Also, it is not just about us. Perhaps it is necessary that we aren’t totally there yet because it does help someone else. I thought about that once when meditating about Thomas Merton’s conversion. He had the opportunity as a young teenager to ‘see the light’ but he didn’t. As an older teenager and student, he pursued a different path. However, the book he wrote about his conversion was so very powerful and affected so many people. Who knows whether Thomas rejected the first opportunity or whether God did not give him the grace to see at that time because the second time would be more powerful to more people? We can’t judge.
And sometimes, we have to just remember the time when we felt God with us in a powerful way and trust that it can happen again. My mother and I were very different kinds of people and didn’t get along well at all. Once she told me that it was just too bad that I was the way I was. She insisted on coming to live with me – even though it was very uncomfortable for everyone, including her. But one night, she came and said that she was doing it for my sake so that I would never have to regret not taking care of her. I knew then that she truly was thinking only of my happiness and though we went through several more years of bickering and misery, it always sustained me that those were surface things – things that could be fixed if one could find a way (like learning to be assertive). Before the end, we actually did get to be less concentrated on the surface things and connected on a deeper level. I remember her with love and affection. Part of it was learning to listen to how God wanted to work (not me) and then it was knowing that God was with me – I had a lot of arguments with God about how He was not clear in what He wanted me to do or helpful in giving me the wherewithal to do it. So I can’t say that it was a happy time with God. Sometimes one just has to get dirty and sweaty to get something accomplished, but working together is always a positive thing.
Dear Mary,
It has taken me years to see how God was present in the midst of my trauma. He was also there during my healing (which is ongoing). You see, He cried the tears I am unable to release. I know for certain that He was with me, He saw me, event though I could not see or feel him. The Lord was and is the strength I find to go on. I only know all this because I too demanded that He tell me why He wasn’t there. And over the years little by little I have begun to find Him. Sometimes in the most unexpected places. I hope you will too.
God Bless
Anne