Most of us women won’t say much about this, but in the realm of spirituality we often miss the presence of our men. Our churches continue to be populated mainly by females. We can talk about spiritual matters freely with our women friends and family members, but God-talk can shut down the conversation quickly when we’re with the men in our lives.
Of course I’m generalizing, but it’s no secret that a lot of men are uncomfortable when it comes to the interior life—whether the topic is feelings, memories, relationships, or prayer. This is frustrating on several levels. I want the men in my life to enjoy God’s love and experience God’s presence. I want them to be free within to be who they truly are. I want their gifts to be active in my faith community and in the larger community. But so often I am not the best person to accompany my husband, brother, or friend on the spiritual journey.
Loyola Press recognizes the spiritual needs of men, and we have begun a blog just for them: Men on the Journey. The posts are written by two of my favorite men, Tom McGrath and Joe Durepos, and they draw on the wisdom of male spirituality teacher Richard Rohr and others. Rohr believes that, although men are helped and loved by women in many crucial ways, they also need the mentorship of other men. Men on the Journey is designed to provide some wise male company on the daily spiritual path.
I encourage you to check out Men on the Journey. Then make it known to the men in your life.
We have had some technical difficulties but soon will post a video, here on Days of Deepening Friendship, in which I interview Tom and Joe. From time to time, they will provide a guest post for DDF. We look forward to that partnership.
This week, spend some long and loving moments holding in your heart and mind the men you love. Invite God into that space, to be present with all of you.
Peace,
Vinita
{ 15 comments… read them below or add one }
” …it’s no secret that a lot of men are uncomfortable when it comes to the interior life—whether the topic is feelings, memories, relationships, or prayer. This is frustrating on several levels.” Likelybecause then women will inundate them with it!
Hi Vinita,
This couldn’t have come at a better time. Early in January I stopped “forcing” my older sons to go to Mass. I thought they’d see the light on their own. Boy was I wrong. No one attends anymore and it’s very sad. They have no idea what they are missing. Churches surely do cater to women, and women do most of the work. Just this weekend I decided that I will put little Post-its around the house addressed to each of them every day until Sunday, and see what happens. I’m trying the persistence tact. Now, I will e-mail them this link too. I know guys go to God in different ways than women. This is good. Thanks, Vinita. I hope you have had a relaxing summer.
Maureen
This is a loaded topic, is it not! I too, have two older sons (and the youngest, 11, a daughter. We all have gone to mass as they grew up. I thought I would try to make an example that this is what our family values and this is what we make time for on Sunday. I also tried to teach faith at home and make prayer part of preparation for Christmas and Easter, and as general gratitude prayer at meals and bedtimes. When the boys started resisting, especially the oldest, I thought he needed to keep coming with us. After all, what example does that give the younger ones? I thought that I could insist that while living with the family, this is what we do. But when they turn 16 and they’re handing you the Charter of Rights when you get out of the van in the church parking lot, I guess we’re done. He was so angry about being “forced” to go to church all these years, that I felt he was even forcing our own efforts at family prayer underground in our home. Everything was mocked and barely tolerated, even something as simple as a meal prayer. My oldest is now off to college and I have released my 15-year-old from the “mandatory drag” of attending church every Sunday. Our family prayer life is practically non-existent now. My daughter, being more like me spiritually, I suppose, is choosing to get involved in the parish and comes with us on Sundays. I keep praying for the boys but there is nothing I can say or example I can give about living with God in your life, that they will hear or understand. Obviously, Maureen, you and I are not alone.
–Cheryl
Cheryl, it was as if I wrote your post! I understand so completely. In one hour I will know if anyone is taking me up on my “offer” of attending Mass this morning. I highly doubt that they will join me. Is it time to wipe the dust??? I have tried and tried. They are great kids but not great church-goers. I trust they will come to God at Mass when they are ready again. I know they pray. I think of my father as I was growing up. My mom kept the family attending Mass. My dad went because he “had” to also. He had no burning desire to go, yet he is the kindest, most God-like man you’d ever want to see. So who knows? I know what Mass does for me. I can’t force it on anyone. Good to know I’m not alone in feeling like this.
We all return to our roots.
We all return to our roots..
What we learn between the ages of somewhere between two and six forms our lifetime paradigm (set of beliefs and values). Not to worry. If you instilled faith, that is what they go back to when they figure out that nothing else works.
Trust me. Just pray for them and make sure you keep up your faith actions. Meanwhile back to the junior set, they unconsciously emulate what they learned at home.
It’s very cool to look back from where I am and do that slow smile. You really do reap what you sow.
Thank you for those words of encouragement and wisdom!
Thank you, Linda, for your larger perspective and for taking the time to respond. I have read and treasured your words over very carefully … some gems of advice for me. I’m picturing doing that slow smile one day!
Well Maureen, I guess you and I will have to keep and build — and remember — our greatest joys in God and in the gift of experiencing Jesus in Eucharist, and hold to it. One of the most bewildering things to me when I think back on raising the kids, is how did I fail to transmit that joy of faith, of His Presence? But maybe it’s too soon to chalk up a failure here.I think Linda has some great things to say. Maybe we just have to keep taking the high road, and not let any bitterness or hurt or regret keep us moving forward with joy. The companionship I have suddenly received from all of you in this post has been so uplifting and supportive. Thank you.
It’s difficult to see our children pull away from our faith tradition, but I think this is also a healthy sign. Teenagers are in a natural period of sorting out what is true and authentic. If what’s going on in church does not feel relevant to them, or if they have not yet come to a point of wrestling with the faith and making it their own as young adults, then leaving church might be more an act of integrity than an act of rebellion.
I also think that boys need masculine expressions of faith and the interior life, and most churches, whether Catholic or Protestant, offer a more feminine than masculine experience. This is one reason Loyola Press has created the Men on the Journey blog–to reach the men who have never quite returned to church.
Possibly the best prayer we can offer for our young men who are leaving church is that God bring into their lives men who have learned to face their own spirituality and who are expressing an active faith. These men may or may not be at Mass, but they can help younger men begin to talk about faith in language they understand.
Peace to you,
Vinita
Hi Vinita,
Thank you. I understand what you are saying about their leaving being an act of integrity rather than rebellion. Actually, if I look at it from the oldest son’s point of view, that is probably bang on. If they can’t find their way to belief then participation in Eucharist is going to seem wrong to them, and maybe even to me. I’m praying for the right male mentors to come along, as you say — and maybe the right girlfriends too!! I like what Tom had to say about your wise approach being that what’s it’s about for women is that sometimes we just miss our husbands, sons, fathers, in this spiritual intimate part of our lives, and not that we just look to “improve” them. That is so true and something I need to remember to communicate with the men in my family around faith.
Thank you for leading the way in your usual wise way.
Vinita,
Thanks for the thoughtful post and for the wonderful plug for MOJO. I especially appreciated you saying that women miss men at this level of the interior life. This probably says more about me than I care to say, but I always took women’s encouragement to be more “sensitive” or “spiritual” as an attempt to improve me. It comes across nicer to hear, “I just miss you in that part of my life.” And when I hear it that way, I think, “Yeah, I miss me, too, in that part of my life.” Which can lead to, “And I look forward to meeting you in that part of both our lives.”
Tom
I always thought it was like going on a trip and not being able to take your loved one along with you and you see all these marvelous things and they were not there to share it with you. I also realized that my husband has a deeper relationship with God than I assumed – like the saying- Only God knows what is in your heart. I found times when my husband was way more advanced in spiritual Grace than what I ever read, achieve or practice – it truly is a lesson in humility. What matters most is that we both love God and He loves us.
Kathy, you are spot-on with the metaphor of traveling somewhere but without your loved one. It really can feel that way when the loved one is not participating with us in the spiritual life. BUT you are also spot-on about making assumptions about the interior life of another person. For years I considered my dad barely a believer, but he proved by his living–and his long dying of illness–that there was much more going on with him than I had seen. Thanks so much for your post. Peace–Vinita
Hi Vinita,
I’m intrigued by this book for men. We love our men but you’re right when you say that we get lonely for them as companions in our spiritual life. I have found prayer, correction- confident prayer, is the answer to drawing my husband closer to God. Never stop praying or give up hope!
I’d like to share with you my blog about hope that is designed for lunchtime escapes and renewal at http://www.Hope-thesecretdose.blogspot.com
The pictures provide a great visual respite.
Will you be presenting at the 2011 CWCO conference? It was an honor to pitch my book to you at the 2009 conference.
Thank you for this site,
Pam
Thanks, Pam, for sharing your blog info–also for your words of hope and encouragement. As for the 2011 CWCO, I don’t know if I’ll be able to participate or not. It all depends on scheduling. Peace to you–Vinita