Freedom and discernment go hand in hand. The freer we become, the more we are able to go about life in a wise and discerning way. And the more we use wisdom and discernment, the freer we become to make choices and then get on with life. It’s difficult to say which comes first—discernment or freedom. One leads to the other. For today, let’s focus on the emotional freedom that can lead to wise decisions.
When making a decision, we are nearly always biased in some way. And usually we have an emotional investment in one outcome or another. One key principle of Ignatian spirituality is the need for detachment, or indifference. In common usage, these terms can mean that a person doesn’t care at all or is completely disinterested. But when using the terms in a spiritual context, we simply mean that a person making a decision will distance herself from her biases and emotions, enough so that she can objectively weigh different options.
When we practice this sort of detachment, our decision-making process can become more well-rounded and holistic. Yes, we acknowledge our emotional state because it’s important to understand what we want and why. But we also look at the situation from a rational perspective, considering the pros and cons. We weigh a decision against our core values in life—and sometimes our emotions are out of sync with what we truly believe.
And we allow the wisdom, intuition, and love of other people to influence our discernment. Some decisions simply cannot be made by one person alone. Even when the discernment involves a private matter, the presence and voice of a spiritual director or counselor can be invaluable.
We have to admit that sometimes we are not fit to make a decision. We are distraught or traumatized. Or some other factor has made us feel desperate—and it’s nearly always a bad idea to get pushed into a decision out of desperation or some other pressure, such as another person’s forcefulness.
There’s much more to say about this. But for now, we can meditate on what detachment means and how we work with it.
To continue exploring this month’s topic of interior freedom, read What’s Your Decision? and God’s Voice Within. Take advantage of special savings on these books by using the promo code Freedom for 25% off. Offer expires 2/29/12.
{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }
How does one “practice detachment”?
You look around the outside (omniscient viewpoint) edges of what you want or think you need and consider all the implications. How would your life be impacted in the long term if you got what you want/think you need. You think of your decision in terms of how you would counsel one of your kids or a good friend. You look at all your options and really think hard about how each one would affect your life in the long run. And of course you ask the Holy Spirit to guide you in that process.
Then you do what I cannot: be patient.
That’s the best explanation of detachment I’ve ever read. Thank you Linda! And your line about patience in what makes it real.
Thank YOU. Yes I have absolutely no patience which is ironic because I have endless perseverance and tenacity but boy does the world see my steam and flames. I wonder sometimes if that isn’t the biblical thorn in my side.
Funny, I just myself made a decision about something. And my decision was based on my gut feeling. It surprised me actually, I was caught up in this “thing” and my emotions seemed to be feeling good about it , and yet, there was this hesitation. And this hesitation triggered my decision. …. and then the thoughts …” am i too weak to say yes to this?” …. “am i backing out of fear?” …. but the calming thing is that i chose to decide. It is my decision. I didn’t choose to do what I thought I “should” do. And this makes me feel very free. I chose NOT to jump in, NOT to be overwhelmed. I’m ok with this. …. sometimes it’s just “no thank you” …. plain and simple. And accepting one’s own pace about things. ….
Vinita, I lost two very close family members within six days of each other in December. I am very sad and empty, but I am having problems with
inner feelings of termoil. I am not satisfied with my life. We are in our 60′s and in a “no win” situation with a business. The economy has made it impossible for us to move forward. We have worked very hard our whole lives. I am jealous of others that are able to travel and enjoy life in retirement. It feels like we are running out of time! I know in my heart that all these feelings are wrong and not of God. Controlling negative thoughts and making each day “special” is impossible for me. I want to move forward and enjoy this time of my life, but I don’t know how. I pray that someone has experienced these feelings and can help me. Thank you for your website and God Bless You.
First of all please accept my condolences. Any time is bad for that but Christmas makes it that much worse.
As for my experiences of your feelings regarding negative thoughts, I can say what helps me although I can’t speak for others of course. Any time I go into pathos (I’m Italian, I do pathos excellently) and decide the world is for some reason not operating according to my paradigm I whine for a bit (and enjoy that immensely). And then I remind myself that Christ had the same problem. I actually had not too long ago during a rant about some news item, a mental impression that stated, “Yes I know. I have that problem too.”
That shuts me off fast. Until the next thing comes along.
Life is not unique to us. He really did go before us and experience it all first.
Mary, I am so sorry for your losses. It sounds as though the holidays were very difficult for you, and I sure do know what that’s like.
Sometimes I feel that my friends right now fall into two groups. There are those for whom everything has fallen into place and life is about redecorating homes after raising families, and enjoying weddings, grandchildren, and travel. And then there are those who have experienced terrible, terrible economic, medical, and family hardships and losses and look around and say, “What happened?”
It is very difficult when you are in the second group not to be envious of those in the first. I have finally concluded that the only thing to do is to ask God for the grace to experience gratitude for those things that *are* good, or that once were.
Personally, I found it much easier to be grateful when everything was going well ;) !
We say that we “practice” gratitude–and that’s exactly what it is. We try to express gratitude in situations that don’t inspire much of it. More and more of us are falling into that second category of people you described, Robin. We don’t even think of retiring because we won’t have enough to live on. We’ve tried to be healthy, but the body fails, anyway. We watch children go through divorce and job loss. We had hoped to feel secure by a certain age, but things just become more uncertain. Gratitude does not require that we brush over the truth. For some people–many more of us all the time–the truth is becoming more harsh. May we at least open ourselves to whatever comfort and encouragement God may provide. Peace to you–Vinita
Mary, I believe that God gave us a large range of emotions because life requires them! There’s a time for sadness, for anger. There’s a place for the many inner tensions that can be so uncomfortable. I don’t think our task is to control how we feel–because feelings just are. Feelings are attached to situations and even to our physical well-being. Anxiety and sorrow are not sins but indicators to us of what is going on inside us. All we can do is bring those very unruly emotions to prayer. Just say, “God, I’m so angry because we’ve worked hard, and yet we can’t even afford a vacation! Everything seems to be failing! Please do something!” That’s how the psalmists prayed–with all their passions, positive and negative. You have every reason to feel as you do right now. Don’t try to stop the emotions but allow them to urge to to prayer. And even if you can’t bring yourself to pray with words, it’s a perfectly fine prayer to sit before God and cry or rage. Peace to you, I’m so sorry you are going through all this–Vinita
I think that rather than saying that there are times when we are not fit to make a decision, we need to learn to be gentle with ourselves in coming to terms with whatever decisions we have made when circumstances force decisions upon us at times when we are too traumatized to be as detached as we might find optimal.
The older I get, the more I find that, much as we know about and would like to exercise careful processes of discernment, we are not always able to do so, and then are plagued by all the woulda-coulda-shoulda thoughts. I am slowly learning to say instead, “I sought counsel, I prayed, I learned everything that I could, I sat in the silence with God, I sifted through all the things influencing me, and in the end, hindsight tells me that I still made the wrong decision — but I can live with that and I am going to give myself the grace of forgiveness.
True, true, true. Grace appears regardless of how good or not-so-good our decisions are. God does not expect the absence of mistakes and wrong turns. God only desires that we invite God’s presence as we journey through all the ups and downs. Thanks for your post–Vinita
Mary: I pain for your sorrow. This past Christmas was my second one without my dear spouse Bob. I thank God that nine months before his unexpected death to finally “let go” of my job as a religious education director. The decision was difficult because I had spent most of my life in service to the Church. After our parishes merged I was asked to continue to run the program. Something inside of me said that it was time to step away from doing what I loved. The next nine months we did little things together, such as going to lunch or a movie. We did not do anything major during this time, we just enjoyed each others’ company in small things. I have learned that it is not what we have or where we go that matters in life. We often discussed what bugged us and concluded :”What will this mean in eternity”? I would like to say that there are times when I cry and moan about situations and forget that our ultimate goal is to be with our Beloved God in Heaven. Nothing on earth is truly satisfying; slowly I am realizing this more each day.
Helen, like you, I had served as a pastoral associate/DRE for over thirty years. When a new pastor was assigned to the parish, I decided to step down and allow myself time to spend with my family. It was not hard at the time. My decision felt right. I had no idea how tired I was until I retired. Whew! Even in my sluggish state of mind, doubt began to invade my mind about retiring. I’m a widow and did not realize how much I had allowed my work to deter the grieving process. I even went through a phase when I thought about returning to lay ministry. God is so good, though. Instead of pursuing another position, the Holy Spirit led me to a Centering Prayer Group, which meets weekly. Through prayer, I came to the realization that my decision was the correct one for me. I began to grieve my losses, the loss of my husband and the loss of my job. I had fallen into the mind trap of becoming what I did and loss sight of who I am, a child of God who needed to take better care of herself. I still serve the community and parish….but, as a volunteer. Remember, how much you and I depended on volunteers in order to accomplish the many tasks we had to complete when we were DRE’s? I will keep you in my prayers as you adjust to life without your husband. One thing that will never change for you is that you will always be a child of God. My husband is always with me in the wonderful memories we created together. Each time I see our children, I see something in each of them that reminds of him. God’s blessings to you!
I am not sure to whom to reply first. Except to thank all for sharing grief and insight. I just retired last week as a nurse practitioner in a stressful pediatric clinic. It was not stressful with the children but with the new corporate model of health care: assembly line care. The decision to leave was long in coming and I think the right one while I still have my health, and finances are OK. But this week I feel such a loss, am questioning myself because I am not running in six different directions. I know I need to grieve this as a loss, and now must redefine myself. I am indeed NOT what I do. My life is rich with parish volunteer work, a scripture course that is quite demanding and many possibilities of things to come. To chase the “ought to” demons I am practicing gratitude, and working hard to give myself permission to relax and enjoy each day as it comes. Who would have thought that one of life challenges would be: how to relax and accept it !
Write a book! (You need all that peace and unstructured time for that). Sounds like you have tons of stuff to teach the nursing profession.
Pat, I believe that many people–especially many women–must learn, sometimes later in life, to relax and simply be. It’s a lesson that is postponed during other seasons of life, such as child-rearing and career-building. Yet when we are in the position to learn more self-care and quietness, that’s a calling, too. Thanks for sharing your story. peace–Vinita
Terry, thanks so much for this post–this kind of “testimony” to grace and wisdom is what helps the rest of us on our way. Peace to you–vinita
I fould myself in each of your thoughts. I felt ashamed because we are unable to fully retire because of financial worries. I pray that I may stay well so I may contunue to work. And how I worry about descision making! I thank all of you for sharing. You have given me much to think about.
Up here in Canada even the gov’t got into the act and decided we could keep on paying pension contributions until we are 65 even if we are still working, since nobody seems to want to retire any more. Yes most of us have to work and some people do when they should leave it for the younger folk who have kids to feed. For those of us who must continue to work, that means having structure, a reason to get up in the morning whether we like it or not. It keeps us moving. It keeps us young.
When I get mad at my job I just consider the last time I had one too many days off. Oops. Shut up and get back to work, Linda, I tell myself.
I want to express my thanks to all of you for your insight. It helps to know that others are there with me. Sometimes it feels like I am the only one. I will pray for each of you. God Bless You
You definitely are not the only one. The human experience is universal. We feel the same feelings about the same situations that Cro Magnon man did. Only the pets and toys are different!
Blessings back to you.