We’re visiting other blogs this week, to remind us all of what’s out there. This is a particularly poignant post about losing friendships at midlife. I’d love to hear your reactions.
Why Friends Disappear When You Reach Midlife
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Losing Friendships at Midlife
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Excellent article. Not even I could find something to disagree with for a change.
It’s true. Friendships change even in their tenancy let alone when years and decades move forward. Roll with the punches, is my mantra. Sometimes we just don’t need one another the way we did and in other cases we shouldn’t have been together in the first place and finally figured that out. Having said that some friendships are forever or at least rekindled after the decades pass, such as finding someone you went to school with, etc.
I have learned that I really don’t like being around people, would rather spend lots of time by myself, adopt a contemplative lifestyle. I think I just got worn out taking care of others and now want to just take care of myself. But old Sister Jerome is behind me chastising me for my selfishness/self-absorption.
So which is the more disordered attachment…the desire to be alone, or the desire to not be selfish?
After reading the blog about losing friendships over time, I began to think that perhaps when these friendships go away, it is not important who is my friend, but whom I befriend. This befriending need not become a lifetime connection, just a way to continually show God that I do love my neighbor, that I am capable of being a good samaritan, and that in all this friendliness, my best friend is Jesus. He will not go away, He will always be in my life, He will never turn his back on me, He will always be helping me do what is right because it is right. And I in turn will always enter into friendship with Him, because that is what He wants of me.
So, my disordered attachments become ordered: the right thing for me to do is contemplate His existence (being alone), and reveal Him to others (not be selfish or self-absorbed).His friendship is a gift to me, my friendship with others is my gift to them (remember the gift of “presence”).
Helen, thank you for this wisdom. I think a lot of us prefer more alone time as we get older. We do realize that time is precious and so we need to take care how we spend it–and with whom we spend it. Some of us don’t get out of toxic relationships until midlife and beyond. Some of us don’t learn how to be alone (enjoying God’s presence) until we are several decades down the road.
And your point about being disordered in one way or the other is well taken. So easily we could retreat from the world and become self-absorbed the older we become. But you speak rightly–we share God’s love with others, and we enjoy God’s love for ourselves. And I agree with you about not needing to focus so much on lifetime connections but on the continuing flow of love.
Most of all thanks for this: It is not important who is my friend, but whom I befriend.
Peace, and thanks–Vinita
As Helen wrote, she doesn’t like to be around people, I find that, as I age, I am much more particular about who I want to spend time with; my relationships/friendships must have some depth to them….some connection of the heart or I just simply am not interested in pursuing them. I am not at all interested in superficial connections and have reached a point in my life where I can say “no” to them.
I just completed a 2 year Spiritual Direction Practicum in which I learned how to be a better listener, which in turn has helped me become a better friend; one who truly cares about what they are saying, what they are saying beneath the surface of their words.
So while I have indeed lost friends over time, I am gaining new friends that are life-giving to me, as i hope I am to them. Will they last till the end? I have no way of knowing, but I do know that nurturing that which is worth nurturing, will indeed bear fruit.
What I found so touching was the comment from a reader who quoted from Parker Palmer’s _Let Your Life Speak_: “self care is never a selfish act – it is simply good stewardship of the only gift I have, the gift I was put on earth to offer to others.” Profound!
I’m not quite at midlife yet, but this has already happened for me. I’m the only of my friends who is still single and doesn’t have any children. When you’re still single in your 40s, you might as well be invisible. And I don’t anticipate this changing for the better.
Beth,
Too many women seem to think we’re attractive to or will be attracted to their husbands. (As if. If he can’t be faithful to his wife, what would another woman want him FOR?? ) There is lots of competitiveness among women as well and if they are married you have more room to move about than they do — nobody wanting to eat at six every evening, nobody whining they want to go to the park now, etc etc blah. Married people see that and their freedom hormones start to hum but they can’t do what you do. Unfortunate but true.
Most of my friends are married so we only see one another infrequently (I like that though) and then as soon as they get in the door, hubby calls on their cell to ask if they are coming home yet. I find that especially prevalent in European marriages (my grandparents were Euro immigrants and so are some of my good buddies).
My lifestyle as writer (those need lots of personal space) and general independent who does things on her own time makes that all okay but if you would like more social interaction all you need to do is go where there are men AND women. The conversation is different in mixed groups and so are the interests. Women act differently when there are men around and they talk about more diverse things.
Even though people are marrying later, and there’s not the same pressure as there used to be on a young woman to marry and start having babies right away, it is still the case that a woman much past her mid-twenties begins to stand out–or is left out–if she’s still single and/or without children. I think a good bit of our wisdom at midlife and beyond has to do with how we participate in community–where we find it, how we nurture it, and what we need from it. Peace to you as you navigate all of this–it’s difficult and can be painful sometimes.–Vinita