Freedom is not easy; it has its price. Part of that price is the willingness to hold life with a light touch. What this means in practical terms is that I don’t try to force my will on a situation, a possession, or a relationship. In theological terms, this sort of freedom is achieved when we are able to pray, in all honesty, “God’s will be done.”
It’s tricky, though, to practice this kind of detachment while honoring our God-given desires. In following our desires, we’re prone to imagine exactly what we want and how we want it. But if we push too hard toward a specific vision, we may miss the actual gift that comes to us.
Ginny Kubitz Moyer, author of Random MOMents of Grace, learns a lot about her own expectations as a mother of two small children. The subtitle of chapter 2 says it all: “Praying as I Can, Not as I Can’t”:
So for the first few years of my life as a mom, I more or less threw in the towel when it came to formal prayer. I got by on something else, something a spiritual director once called “opportunistic spirituality.” At random moments throughout the day, I’d take a moment to ping God a little message. Hey there. How are you? I’m here, doing fine. Just saying Hi. That was about the sum of it: a quick check-in, a spiritual text message to the Creator. And I found that there was something freeing about this kind of prayer. I could do it anytime, anywhere—while changing a noxious diaper, driving to work, or shaving my legs. There was nothing dramatic about it, but it was helpful because it meant I could integrate God into my normal routine without breaking my step. Prayer became more reflexive, more instinctive, less an event than a way of being. It validated a favorite quotation of mine, from the English abbot John Chapman: “Pray as you can, not as you can’t.”
This new practice was nice, and it helped. I was taking quick, frequent sips at the well of prayer, instead of long, slow drinks. I missed the luxurious gulps, I really did, but at least I was staying hydrated.
- What expectations have you had to release from an iron grip? How did that go?
- How do you know when you need to hold your life more lightly? What are your spiritual symptoms of holding on too tightly?
{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }
I know i need to hold my life more lightly because just recently i actually laughed out loud. i hadn’t heard my laughter for some time. So i started thinking why i wasn’t laughing. i have been taking things as matters of life and death, physical and spiritual. i have no idea when this began, as I wasn’t aware of my non-out-loud-laughter. I found things amusing, even funny, but I didn’t laugh out loud. I wasn’t actually acknowledging God’s gift of lightness of being. What a comeuppance for me!!! I’ve been wondering if Jesus ever laughed out loud, given the lack of funny episodes in the Gospels. He certainly seemed to take things seriously.
A number of biblical scholars have pointed out aspects of Jesus’ words, particularly in the parables, that would have been funny to hearers. Keep in mind, too, that the Gospel writers had an agenda: proving that Jesus of Nazareth was Jesus the Messiah. They would not have put a high priority on his more lighthearted moments.
But think about it: the people you have known who were truly wise and spiritual and loving–did they possess a healthy sense of humor? I have trouble trusting anyone who doesn’t because the most loving people I know are good at laughing, because laughter is a sign of joy.
So, I’m glad you noticed your need to lighten up and allow the laughter! That’s great progress! Peace–Vinita
I had brought my daughter to preschool (oh so many years ago) for her first day. It was only 2 monings a week. A friend told me to come to her house for a cup of tea after this awful experience I just put myself through. :) I went over and she told me something that I still fall back on today. My children are a gift from God and are lent to me to nurture and bring up to adulthood. My girls have their own relationship with God and God with them. I was at that point able to let go of that grip. It,s a struggle but what was told to me is always in my head and heart.
What a wise friend you had. Stepparents, foster parents, and adoptive parents tend to me more aware that this child is on loan, so to speak. We know going in that this is not “our” child, but even in those situations we are in such a hurry to fix this kid’s life and make everything better that we cling too much and try too hard. Biological parents learn this lesson through situations such as the one you have described. But it’s a lesson we must learn repeatedly, through every stage of life. We let go when they go to kindergarten; we also let go when they are parents trying to deal with their own teenagers.
Thanks for posting–it’s a good story for the rest of us. Peace–Vinita
I think that it is most difficult to practice this type of detachment with life threatening illnesses of those with whom we love. I really don’t want them to die. God has two people in my life right now, one on life supoort and one with stage IV cancer. It is very hard to hold that lightly, but I guess it is necessary. It definitely keeps me praying but I find it very difficult.
Oh, what a difficult place you’re in! And of course, loosening our grip is necessary, but love also requires that we hold on to hope and love. Do whatever love requires. The grip we tighten sometimes simply indicates how much we love. Peace to you–Vinita
Joanne we have to accept our feelings, those are part of our human experience and Jesus too cried when his friend died. Detachment doesn’t mean letting go of our love for someone, only to let God help us with (read those last five words over again) letting go of what must be. What is. Your love for them does not dissipate just because you yield to what is. Have compassion for yourself and God will get you over the hard parts. Trust me. I know.
My husband and I have been dealing with several serious and not so serious health issues of his over the past 3-4 years. Holding lightly has been necessary as I learn to adjust to the new-normal. When I refuse to acknowledge the permanence of the changes, I become anxious and unable to more forward.
My prayer life becomes less about loving God and more about loving me. It has helped me immensely to talk with wonderful friends who have shared their own struggles.